How to Talk to Your Child About a Parent's Incarceration: A Personal Journey

Explaining a parent's incarceration to a child is a delicate and heartbreaking task, one that my family had to face head-on when I was removed from our family structure. My wife, Morgan, had the unimaginable responsibility of sitting our daughters—Breland, Cameron, Riley, and Aiyana—down to explain why their father wasn't coming home. The pain of being marginalized by a system that often doesn't consider the collateral damage to families, especially to children, was almost unbearable.

In this blog, I want to share our personal experience and offer guidance on how to navigate these conversations with your children, based on the journey we've been on as a family.

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The Impact on System-Impacted Children

Children with incarcerated parents are often referred to as "system-impacted children," a term that acknowledges the profound effects that a parent's incarceration can have on their mental and emotional well-being. These children are forced to grow up too quickly, bearing burdens they should never have to carry.

In our family, this burden manifested in different ways for each of our daughters. Cameron, who was deeply affected, had a mental breakdown from which she has not yet fully recovered. The emotional weight of my absence was too much for her young mind to process, and it broke my heart to to know that this failed system—or rather, the consequences of a fully functional broken system—had such a devastating effect.

Riley, my strong and resilient daughter, held on as best she could. But even she couldn’t escape the pain of being without her father. She bore it with quiet strength, but I know it was a heavy load for her to carry.

Breland, my poor baby, took on a role that no child should have to assume. She became a pillar of support for Morgan, someone her mother could talk to and lean on during the most difficult times. She had to grow up quickly, stepping into a space that should have been filled by me.

And Aiyana, felt like she needed to distance herself from the pain. She withdrew, trying to protect herself from the harsh reality that our family was facing.

How Do You Talk to Them?

One of the hardest questions I’ve had to grapple with is: How do you talk to them? How do you explain to your children that their father isn’t coming home, that the person they look up to and depend on is suddenly gone? 

Here are some steps, based on both our experience and expert advice, on how to navigate this conversation:

1. Be Honest, Yet Gentle

Honesty is crucial, but so is sensitivity. Morgan had to tell our daughters the truth, but she did so in a way that was age-appropriate and comforting. She explained that I had to go away for a while and that while I wouldn’t be home, I still loved them more than anything.

Children need to know that their parent’s absence isn’t their fault, and they need reassurance that they are still loved and supported.

2. Validate Their Feelings

Children will experience a range of emotions—anger, sadness, confusion, even guilt. It’s important to let them know that whatever they’re feeling is okay. Cameron’s mental breakdown was a painful reminder that these emotions can be overwhelming. By validating your child’s feelings, you give them permission to express their emotions in a healthy way.

3. Provide Consistency and Stability

One of the biggest challenges for Morgan was maintaining a sense of normalcy for our daughters. While their world was turned upside down, she worked tirelessly to keep their routines as consistent as possible. This stability helped them feel secure during a time of great uncertainty.

4. Seek Professional Support

Sometimes, the emotional impact is too great for a family to handle on their own. In our case, Cameron’s ongoing struggles highlighted the need for professional help. Therapy and counseling can provide children with a safe space to process their feelings and begin the healing process. But we know that therapy is almost impossible to phathom due to financial insecurities, this is the reason Wear My Pain is so important.

5. Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Even after the initial conversation, it’s important to keep talking. Children’s understanding of the situation will evolve as they grow, and they’ll have new questions and concerns. Morgan made sure our daughters knew they could always come to her with their thoughts and feelings, no matter how difficult the conversation might be.

The Fight for Freedom and the Impact on Our Family

Our family hasn’t stopped fighting for my freedom. The toll it has taken on us is immense, especially on our children. But through it all, we have remained united in our love and determination. We’ve learned that it’s okay to lean on each other, to ask for help, and to keep hope alive, even in the darkest of times.

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Resources for Families Impacted by Incarceration

For those going through similar situations, there are resources available that can provide support:

- National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated: Offers support and information for caregivers and professionals working with children of incarcerated parents.https://nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/

- Sesame Street's "Little Children, Big Challenges: Incarceration": Provides tools and resources to help young children cope with the incarceration of a parent.https://sesamestreetincommunities.org/topics/incarceration/

- The Osborne Association: Focuses on creating opportunities for people affected by the criminal justice system, including their families.https://www.osborneny.org/

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Talking to your child about a parent’s incarceration is never easy, but it is possible to do so in a way that fosters understanding, resilience, and hope. My family’s journey is a testament to the strength of love and the power of honesty, even in the face of overwhelming adversity.

Make no mistake, this journey has been a tragedy, but we have found a purpose within it.

—Terry Brown